Birth Order {31 for 21 - Thursday's Thoughts}

Reese is tiny. As in barely on the growth curve tiny. Considering she's in the 1.5th percentile for both height & weight, it should come as no surprise when strangers are surprised by her age. She still comfortably fits in most 12-month clothing & I don't foresee any major growth spurts in her near future.

Harper is on the opposite end of the spectrum. She's a tank. She's in the 85th percentile for both height & weight. She'll be 6 months old in a few weeks & is busting out of her 9-month onesies. She has rolls upon rolls & is a very enthusiastic eater. She's packing on the pounds at an alarming rate.

 

They wear the same size diapers. They wear the same size shoes. They are 19 months apart in age & are separated by just a few pounds & inches. We will be answering the twin question within months. And sooner than I'd expected, people will assume Reese is the baby of the family.



I never really thought about the effects of birth order on personality while growing up. I have one brother & he's 7.5 years older than me. According to my hurried Internet search results, birth order has little effect on personality if there's more than a 5 year age difference between siblings. Ben, on the other hand, is the 4th of six. His mother managed to deliver them all within a 10 year span & the birth order theory fits his family pretty well.

I'm oversimplifying, but here's the CliffsNote's version of the birth order theory: (courtesy of Parent's magazine)

• As the leader of the pack, firstborns tend to be reliable, conscientiuos, structured, cautious, controlling & achievers.
• Middle children may feel left out since parental attention is often focused on the beloved firstborn or baby of the family. They tend to thrive among peers & are often people-pleasers, somewhat rebellious, have large social circles & are peacekeepers.
• The lastborn (aka, "baby") of the family tends to be fun-loving, uncomplicated, manipulative, outgoing & self-centered.

I've thought a lot about how this theory will apply to our girls. I pondered it even while pregnant with Harper. I knew there would be a time when she would pass her sister both physically & cognitively. I just didn't know when.

Reagan is our oldest. She was an only child for just 21 months before her sister arrived. I don't think she remembers much about life before Reese but I do know her life drastically changed when Reese came home. We devoted a great deal of time & energy to Reese & her medical needs in the months prior to her open heart surgery, time & energy that were once focused on Reagan. She grew up fast, way faster than I had intended, so I think her role of firstborn is set in stone.

 

Here's where the water gets murky. Reese is officialy the middle child. She's the one that theoretically would feel left out & turn to her peers for inclusion, whereas Harper would maintain the baby mentality that the family revolves around her.

I already foresee two issues with this theory:

1) I don't think Reese will ever feel left out of our family. If anything, I worry that her sisters will feel slighted, jealous of the attention given to Reese. Our daily schedule often revolves around one of Reese's therapy appointments. Soon she'll be going to preschool in her very own bus that stops directly in front of our house. She will have extra support in school & at church to ensure her success & we attend Ds specific events on a regular basis. Loads of our friends & family honor her each year at the Step Up for Down Syndrome Walk & strangers frequently comment on how cute she is or how happy she seems while inadvertantly ignoring her sisters who are mere inches away.

2) As I said before, people will soon assume that Reese is the youngest. Physically, she will be the smallest. Like most kids with Ds, her speech is delayed. There's a good chance Harper will be speaking in full sentences before Reese. As painful as that is for me to write, that is our reality. Strangers don't realize she uses sign language to communicate, that she understands far more than she can vocalize. The lack of words is what they see. Her small frame & her silence will be misleading.

Reese will most likely be viewed as the baby of our family for many years to come. I hate this. I hate this because I fear people will treat her like a baby. And when they treat her like a baby, they don't expect the things they should from her. I fear people will be hesitant to discipline her or hold her accountable for her actions. I fear they will talk above her & not to her, that they'll assume she doesn't understand what's being said. I fear her sisters will baby her, even when Ben & I beg them not to. I fear she won't be pushed to reach her full potential because people will be too busy making excuses for her, too busy babying her. And I'm even more afraid that she'll let them.

I'm fine with Reese being small. I'm fine with her sisters developing at a faster clip. I'm fine with her not fitting the middle child mold & being confused as the youngest. I just don't want people, including our friends & family, to treat her like a baby when she is capable of being so much more.

So please, if anything, start babying the heck out of Harper so there's none left for Reese. ;)