Friends {31 for 21}

A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.  -Unknown       

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.  Even longer,' Pooh answered.” - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

I have unbelievable friends.  Trying to articulate how I feel about them is impossible.  I just don't have the words or the eloquence to do them justice.  Let's just say I'm the luckiest girl in the world when it comes to the friend department.  In a perfect world where time was endless & there was no laundry to be done or children to feed or dogs to walk, I would write something about each & every one of you.  But time is precious here in the Wallace household & the laundry pile is spilling out into the hallway, so I will limit my ramblings to just one. 

The one I've known since elementary school.  The one who battled me for first chair in band & who made the "Fortnight - 2 weeks" outburst my claim to fame.  The one who consoled with me when I was dumped by State Champ 4,000 miles from home (just taking a stab at the distance between KC & France) & who corrupted all of us with the infamous "boy-girl" parties.

The one who made Schurz Hall the best damn dorm on Mizzou's campus.  The roommate who tolerated my bizarre study habits & hidden, deteriorating apple cores.

The only one I knew in Chicago when I made the move in 1998.  The one who let me crash at her place & run up ridiculously high phone bills while I was searching for a place of my own.

The one who hosted my bachelorette party while 6 months pregnant & who pretended to be having the time of her life at the smoky, overcrowded bars.

The one who agreed to be a bridesmaid in my wedding at 7 months pregnant.  Doubt you'll be wearing that dress again.

The one who hosted the best baby shower ever when I was pregnant with Reagan.  All baby showers should be DiaperKeggers at Mizzou football games.  Combine beer, barbecue, football & baby paraphernalia & everyone's happy.

When I was 3 weeks pregnant with Reese, I got a call from this giddy friend exclaiming, "I've got 2 pink lines!!".  For the men reading, this means she was knocked up.  It would be a happy occasion on any day, but it was even more special to us since we were both recovering from devastating miscarriages.  We were elated.  We would be fat & miserable together, our kids would be the best of friends, of course they would marry & live happily ever after.  Over the course of those 9 months, we shared everything.  Our fears of losing another pregnancy, our excitement of adding another child to the mix, our worries of being a mother in general, but always our genuine happiness for each other. 

Then Reese was born & everything changed.  I cringe at what I'm about to write, but I promised myself I would be honest about the feelings & emotions I've experienced along this journey.  If I pretended everything was roses from the beginning, our story would ring hollow & it wouldn't be fair to the moms or moms-to-be who might come here for an honest portrayal of our life.  So here it goes.  I was furious with my friend.  I was beyond jealous.  I longed to be her - to be pregnant again.  To be full of anticipation & excitement, not this overwhelming fear & unease.  I was worried she would go MIA.  My friend's baby was still marinating & I had already begun comparing.  Her kid would do everything before Reese & would struggle with nothing & I'd just have to grin & bear it.  I thought about cutting ties completely.

O.M.Goodness.  I shudder when reading those words.  I know they are true, part of me will never forget the intense pain that immediately followed Reese's birth, but I can't believe I let myself envision a world without my friend.  A world where I wasn't overjoyed when her son was born & genuinely happy when he took his first steps & said his first word.  I've thought a lot about those ugly thoughts & for awhile convinced myself I was an awful person.  How could I think those things about my dearest friend?  The friend that would take a bullet for me & practically anyone she knows.  Then it hit me.  I am human.  I was an overwhelmed, terrified, hormonal new mother & was working through my stages of grief.  Being mad & jealous with my friend was part of the healing process.  I have forgiven myself & I hope she forgives me too.

It's amazing what a year can do.  Now I ache for pictures of Lukie on Facebook & updates on his newest antics.  I look forward to our kids growing up together & for the lessons they will teach each other.  I know Lukie will accept Reese for exactly who she is because he has parents who will teach him that all people have value, regardless of chromosome count.  And because he has the genes of two of the kindest, most compassionate people I know.

Wanna know who managed to "just stop by" during a business trip between Oklahoma City & Columbia, MO to visit Reese after her OHS?  Wanna know who routinely texts me asking how Reese is doing & who sent her this onesie for her birthday?

And do you wanna know who cancelled Mizzou Homecoming plans (people, she lives in COMO - they bleed black & gold there) to instead support Reese at our annual Step Up For Down Syndrome Walk?  You guessed it, my friend.

I know you might be wondering what exactly this has to do with Reese & Ds.  If I could give any advice to new parents, it would be to cling to your friends & family.  Don't push them away or pretend that everything is wonderful if, in fact, it is not.  They want to be there for you - they just might not know exactly what to say or are fearful of saying the wrong thing.  You might be worried that your friends will vanish or not accept your newest bundle.  In my opinion, friends like that need to vanish.  We've been fortunate - our friends have welcomed Reese with open arms.  Maybe it's because we've chosen to surround ourselves with amazing people or because it's very hard not to fall in love with Reese or a combination of both.  Either way, our friends rock.

I can only hope all of my children will develop friendships as cherished as mine.  I hope they choose to befriend good, kind folks that will be loyal & honest.  Reagan & Reese are already forging new friendships & I will enjoy watching those relationships develop over the years. 

Moya, this one's for you.  Like I always tell the girls, I love you to the moon and back. 

Expectations {31 for 21}

I'll admit, Ben dealt with Reese's Ds diagnosis much better than I did early on.  He is one of the lucky few who are truly able to live in the now & not worry about the future.  You know where my mind went when we got the news?  I wasn't thinking about her immediate health concerns or the fact that she had been whisked away to the NICU for observation.  I was thinking about dance recitals and birthday parties.  About soccer games and high school dances.  About driver's licenses and independent living.  When I should've been focusing on getting our girl healthy enough to come home, I was worrying about all the things a diagnosis of Down syndrome would prevent her from achieving.  I felt cheated.  Robbed of the life I was expecting.  And as accepting as Ben has been from the get-go, even he looked at me with red-rimmed eyes after hearing the news & said, "what will her life be like?"

It goes to show you how little we knew about Ds.  I honestly can't believe I once had such a limited view of the potential our kids possess.  To even consider a diagnosis of Ds would prevent Reese from making friends or playing sports or pursuing higher education now just seems utterly ridiculous.  We were so under informed, and therefore, we were scared.  Scared that just because Reese was born with extra genetic material, she would live a completely different life than her sister.  That she wouldn't appreciate a good book or savor a juicy steak or be transported by a magical sunset.  That she wouldn't bathe in the love of friends & family or be overwhelmed by an act of kindness by a stranger.  That she, in essence, would suffer.  Nothing makes me crazier than when I read an article about how someone "suffers from" or is "inflicted" with Down syndrome.  Seriously?  Does this look like suffering?

 or this??

 or this??

I know what you might be thinking.  Reese is one - of course she's not suffering.  But what about when she's older & more aware of her differences?  When she realizes it takes her longer to learn certain things & master different tasks.  When she discovers her future path might not resemble that of her peers.  Well, it's late & I'm too tired to search for the exact statistics, but a recent study published results of how adults with Ds view their lives.  An overwhelming majority (I'm talking like 90-something %) are happy with their lives and the way they look.  Could we say the same thing about the general population?  I doubt it. 

So, what exactly do we expect of Reese?

• We expect her to be kind, gracious & respectful.  With that, she will be held to the same standards as her siblings when it comes to manners, behavior & discipline.
• We expect her to discover her passions & cultivate them.  Whether it be sports, dance, music, art, ventriloquy, farbing (you get the picture), we will support & foster her individual interests.
• We expect her to make & maintain friends.  We expect some of those friends will share her designer genes, but we also expect her to befriend her typically-developing peers & those with special needs of a different nature. 
• We expect her to attend school & put forth her very best effort in the classroom.  Whether she spends the majority of her time in a general ed or special ed setting, we expect her to learn.
• We expect her to have crushes on boys...or girls (hey, we are equal opportunity around here) & with the territory we expect her to have her heart broken once or twice. 
• We expect her to show us what she can & cannot do rather than making assumptions about her abilities.  We expect she will fail at certain things but are certain she will excel at more.  If we allow her to be our guide, we expect she will reach the stars. 
• Most of all, we expect her to love & be loved.  This will be the easiest expectation to achieve.